How to navigate Thanksgiving at a liberal relatives house

OK, so MOST of my immediate family are conservatives. So are my girlfriends parents, so this does not really apply to me. However, I know there are those of you out there who do have to deal with “celebratory liberals” this Thanksgiving. And for you, I present the following, courtesy of and Joel B. Pollak

As a public service to our readers, and as a gesture towards civility in our national discourse, we offer the following how-to-guide for surviving Thanksgiving dinner at the home of your triumphant liberal relatives:

  • “Your home looks lovely. Almost like it’s worth what you paid for it. Obama didn’t help with that yet, did he? Oh, well, maybe next term. May I use your bathroom?”
  • In the unlikely event that your host’s home has appreciated in value, use this introduction instead: “Love what you’ve done with it. Better dump it before the new year, though, or you might face that new Obamacare tax.” (Wait until after dinner to make a lowball offer.)
  • “Oh, grandma, I’m so sorry about what Obama did to your Medicare. I tried to stop him.”
  • “Little Johnny, all grown up. Still looking for a job? Oh. There’s always grad school, you know. I hear Obama will pay your student loans.”
  • “Jane, you look amazing! I bet you’re the reason Obama promised free contraception.”
  • “Hey, kids, let’s watch some football. Whatever team Obama picked, that’s the one that’s going to lose. Ask Detroit.”
  • “I’m thankful that the war on women is finally over, and you accepted a racist like me back into your midst.”
  • “I’m thankful for Elizabeth Warren. Now that we have a Native American in the Senate, we can celebrate without feeling guilty anymore.”
  • “I’d like to take a moment to remember those four brave Americans who lost their lives because of an anti-Islamic video.”
  • “Blessed be Obama, from whom we enjoy this bountiful harvest.”
  • “No turkey for me, thanks. The poultry industry is a major contributor to global warming, and I can’t eat meat without thinking about how I caused Hurricane Sandy.”
  • “I’m not having cranberry sauce, either. So many of our cranberries today are imported from Poland, and they supported Mitt Romney, you know.”
  • “Have some more pumpkin pie, please. I promise not to tell Michelle Obama.”
  • “What, no more Twinkies this year?”
  • “I can’t believe it’s time to go already. Four hours and $600 million in national debt just flew by.”
  • Gan en jie kuai le! That’s Happy Thanksgiving in Chinese. Might as well start learning.”
  • “Why don’t you come to our place next year. Seeing as how your taxes are going up in a few weeks, it’s only fair.”
  • “Sorry I parked you in. Oh, darn, I drove the Chevy Volt today. You wouldn’t have an extension cord, would you?”
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